Ha! What a sick, twisted sense of humor the powers that be (god, chance, fate, whatever) have. Today I was presented with a choice, truly a life altering decision between what I want and what I need. The only thing is that line is rather blurry between the choices to decide. I am paralyzed.

I am narsacissic enough to have delusions of grandure, but grounded enough to know that they are in fact just delusions...

I am waiting. Waiting for some revelation, some profound thought that would give me perspective, some answers, I wait and nothing...

Was, is, will be. Such short words that can have such depressing connotations and fear

peaks and valleys

I find it odd that I define life by my failures and short comings. Sure when I look back I see my successes, but it is usually defined by a failure first.

Through life their is peaks and valleys. But I never see the peaks. I am always in the valley, surrounded by the dark shadows cast upon me, claustrophobic, crushing. It is not until I get into the valley that I have seen the peak that I just came from, and I do not see the peaks in front of me because from the valley it looks insurmountable.

Why is it that I find it easier to articulate my darkness rather than my light. I tend 'feel' the most when I am in a bad place.

lost and burning

The burning inside is no longer just a smolder, the chaotic winds that is life have fanned them in to a blaze that has all but consumed. Those same winds have also knocked me off of what I considered a steady course...

I am nothing more than a lost burning ship.

I am that I am

My first post here should probably explain why I am doing this. I feel that I need to get the jumbled up, fuck-up, messed-up thoughts and processes that occur in my head and put them on "paper" to see if it makes any more sense from the outside, rather than inside.

This is more for myself, but if you get anything out of it, the more the merrier. Just so you know what to expect this will be extremely disjointed and sometimes not make any sense. Due to the fact that I will probably just let the flood gates open from time to time and not sensor or try to make sense of it right then and their.